I recently let the flirting get too far…again.
I’m a repeat offender, because I’m a softy when it comes to hurting feelings.
What does this mean exactly?
You meet someone and they seem okay…I mean the vibes are kind of off but fuck it. Maybe he isn’t as attractive as the liquor exits your body, and you’re on his Instagram page the next week hoping your friends don’t catch wind of this shit. But “Looks don’t matter! We’re grown…we need to travel and build” (whatever lie we’re telling ourselves these days – looks matter it’s okay to admit that). Maybe he doesn’t have great conversation skills…but at least he texts back! But then he double texts and calls all day and night, I mean damn I have a job and things to do! You start to wonder if he has a social life. But he’s all about YOU, so that means he doesn’t have time to cheat right? That’s what you’re really concerned about, because STDs are real out here. Okay so maybe he doesn’t meet your list of requirements, but I mean he clearly likes you so he can change! Right? RIGHT!?
Then somehow (you know how) in a few short weeks he begins talking about bringing you home. Now you’re shocked and acting like you don’t know how this all went so fast. He was giving you all the signs and you were “just getting to know each other”, because you claim you’re not really looking (but you definitely are) for a serious relationship. There are no real feelings on your end, but you still speak to and flirt with him regularly. You have a conversation with yourself at the end of every stale text thread that goes something like “What is wrong with you? You know you don’t even like him like that”. But that doesn’t stop that text from being sent…because hello he texts back at 3 am. But you want your old thing back. This new thing is the end bread on a gourmet sandwich, and you’re used to garlic aioli drizzled on toasted brioche buns.
Earlier this year I lead this guy on so much he was discussing us going on a vacation to see his friend. I take full responsibility for him being so eager about the possibility of there being an us. I was mad at my what ever the hell I’m calling him these days and didn’t like being ignored, so that’s how his whole fiasco started.It was a good idea for about four days, and it was a long four days too. He was in alignment with the majority of my non-negotiables (that list you made about your future husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner that is terribly long and probably unrealistic), but I still was trying to convince myself I could date him. It was a sad sight trying to convince myself that I could develop feelings for this man. Let’s face facts…you can’t fake chemistry.
I was leading this man on for the sake of my own selfishness. I was talking to him until 3 am, laughing at all the jokes, but every once in awhile I made it clear that this was just friendship. But my actions didn’t reflect that. I was out here giving hope to this man and he was eating it up and for some reason I started feeling like a piece of shit. I had done this song and dance before, and I recognized when he would get upset about where I was going, who was I with, etc…and it didn’t matter. “I let you know what it was…it’s your fault if you get caught up”. Sound familiar? I’m a firm believer in setting boundaries and whatever happens after that is your fault, but this time around I saw how I was using this man’s time and energy up and it made me realize that I’m sort of a monster.
It made me realize two things:
- I’m worth it.
This man gave me ALL the attention I needed and I don’t have to settle or trade off things on my “list”. I learned through my interactions with this man that I AM ENOUGH. I didn’t beg him for time, I didn’t want for attention, and I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much. It made me realize that I’m not crazy! Finally! I once dealt with someone who made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough to date them. I felt inadequate and I was trying my hardest to do anything that would make me “attractive” and it still didn’t work. But, a switch went off about four months ago where I stopped and realized I’m worth whatever I want, and if you can’t give it to me then you’re not worth me. You just get tired of saying “it’s ok” No the fuck it’s not. Shit. Sorry I had a moment. But yeah, you enough girl!
2. My time isn’t more valuable than __________’s.
This is one of those things that accompanies growth. Yes, I am absolutely worth everything I ask for from someone. However, I can’t be unrealistic in my asks of another human being. I want everyone to understand their worth, but stealing time and energy is just selfish. Understanding the difference between compromise and settling is different. Settling is when you go against yourself and deal with the discomfort it brings, while comprise is meeting midway with something that doesn’t disturb your peace. Always protect your peace. So, yes you are worth happiness, but you are not worth someone’s unhappiness. Ooop! Was that a word? *snaps*