My mentor read me for filth, and left my lifeless body for the wolves.

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Get the a glass of something strong…my read might be felt in your spirit and you might need it.

Okay so she read me..in the best way possible. I think. It all started when I was speaking to an associate a few weeks ago. It’s interesting to note that up until this conversation I thought she was a lesbian…but anyway! We caught up on the usual things associates do when she disclosed the she was in a “relationship”. I braced myself for her coming out story, but was met with disclaimers about his age. My ears perked up.

I asked the usual “how did you guys meet?” questions you ask someone you’re kind of cool with but not really – I was waiting for this tea though. She works at a high school and he was a guest speaker who slid her his business card. At first she thought nothing of the gesture, because people who spend money on business cards want to give them out. Being the young and ambitious woman who was networking to find the next stop in life, she took his card without hesitation. You know how us millennials in the DMV get down. Their first conversation he told her he wanted to take her out. She declined but said they could be friends to which he obliged without objection. The kept in touch and it was all on the up and up until he started flirting. She decided to “just get the date out the way so I can pick his brain about business later”. They go to dinner and the usual topics came up and at some point, probably after that neat glass of whiskey she holds so dear, she complimented his suit. He takes out his check book and writes one out to her for $500 telling her to get a nice dress. OH OKAY. She didn’t plan on taking it at first, but then decided “why the hell shouldn’t I?” Thats right boo…TREAT YO SELF! She cashes the check, buys a dress, and tells him about the little black dress. They go on another date, of course she wears the dress, and he says “now all you need is shoes”. Fast forward to today and here we are with her $28,000 student loan paid off and her rocking Chanel bags.

Now, I don’t want a Chanel bag. I don’t want a $500 dress either. I want the money it costs to buy the bag and purchase the dress. Actually no, I want my loans gone. Go away loans, you’re ruining the party! Debt is a BITCH.

So I tell my mentor, she’s a brilliant woman, who has been trying to get me to marry a wealthy man for years now. She doesn’t want me to be a gold digger, but she does want me to have a life where I don’t stress about money. She just doesn’t want me “dating someone who makes $40,000 before taxes and is content with going to Friday’s for fine dining”. She’s rough, but it’s from a good place.

So she continues on to read me for filth by saying:

“Your problem is that you lock in on the tiniest potential after he’s passed your physical and then you fixate. You’ll exchange numbers and text and call and you’re happy, because in your mind he’s taking time out his day to speak to you…and now you’re like “so if he’s spending so much time texting me he must really like me”. Meanwhile, you haven’t even been on a date. You’re so entranced by his digital communication, that it never occurred to you that he’s on a date right now, and he’ll text you when it’s over to say he was thinking about you. When he says that, you’ll be so happy that his words will hold more weight than his actions, because now in your mind you’ve planned dates when there was no inkling that he even wants to be exclusive with you.”

I was edgeless and bleeding out. I didn’t know what say and I had no rebuttal. I went through the stages of grief and everything. She was right. I’ve created multiple weddings off one introduction…just ask my group chat. I didn’t get angry or stay sad for too long. Why? I chose this woman to be my mentor for a reason. I confide in her my life goals, career goals, marriage goals, as well as many other aspirations. In a nutshell, I trust her. When she gives me this tough love I like to refer to as ‘being read for filth’ I understand that it is not out of malice, but because she believes in me so much. She takes time out of her life to guide me to the place I’m trying to arrive. Plus, her reading always comes with advice.

“When you give your number out,  you need to be on a date within 5-7 days before you take them seriously. Date 3-4 men at a time. Don’t fuck them or get head…go out in public and date.” This sounds like regular, degular, shmegular advice, but when you’ve been treating men like Ubereats and Netflix you need the reminder.

Takeaways:

  • Get a mentor – but actually invest time in seeking a good one out. You almost have to interview your future mentor so that you can see if they are a good fit. This is the person you admire and go to when you need real life advice…who do you trust like this? Now I have two (three if you count my grandma), because just like you have different friends for different events or venting sessions you need variety. My other mentor is like a second mom – she asks “How are you doing?” and follows with “How’s that credit card?”. Love them both.
  • Don’t get wrapped up in the the texts and calls, but instead fall for the actions. Make them earn you and don’t cave on your non-negotiables. We’ll talk about non-negotiables in another post…maybe after I go out with my co-worker’s pastor. It’s for…research? Yeah…let’s go with that

 

 

-TDB

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